It's time for a frank discussion about sex
I read an article yesterday from Relevant Magazine that really opened my eyes as a youth pastor.
It's not about youth or youth ministry, but nonetheless has implications that echo down into ministering to teenagers.
The article, entitled Almost Everyone's Doing It, reveals that a recent Gallop Poll study shows that 80 percent of single Americans, aged 18-29, who identified as evangelical Christians, have had sex before marriage. That's only down 8 percent from non-Christians. (Eighty-eight percent of non-Christians 18-29 say they've had premarital sex.)
That's a pretty scary number. That means 8 out of 10 students, in our churches, will have sex before marriage. What's almost as startling, 42 percent, just under half, say they are in a current sexual relationship.
There are many factors, including an increased amount of sexual messages in pop culture, (Another study shows that 92 percent of last year's Billboard Top 100 songs contained some time of sexual message.), the increasing average age of marriage (28 years old for men, 26 years old for women), and waning of standards and definitions on what is sex. (Yet another recent article on CNN.com shows that many oral cancers are on the rise and linked with HPV due to oral sex.)
Still, this study is about single, American, young adults. What is the implication to youth ministry?
First, these students came from youth ministries where we share the importance of abstinence. Many of these students took pledges or bought True Love Waits rings, but didn't honor their commitment. Clearly, what we've taught in the past is not sinking in or simply not working. We need a new approach.
Something I try to teach students when we have discussions about sex and peer pressure is that sex is great...within the confines of marriage. I think, too often, in the past we've been afraid to use the "S" word, and when we do, it's in a negative light. (I remember my mom telling me, simply, "Don't have sex or you're out of the house.") Yet, the messages they get from friends, music, television and the movies is how great sex is and how "everybody" is doing it.
What we need is a happy medium and a frank discussion. Why is sex better left to the marriage bed?
It's the way God intended. (Genesis 2:24). God created sex as not only a way of reproduction, but also as a way of bonding a married couple. That bonding takes place, married or not. When you're not married, there are emotional and spiritual attachments that are made that linger, even after the relationship ends. In marriage, that's great. Outside of marriage, it leads to heartache, guilt and regret.
We need to share with students that premarital sex has emotional and spiritual consequences, not just physical. For too long, we've relied on the threat of sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy to scare teens away from sex. Teens don't care too much about those anymore. Teen pregnancy is not the taboo it used to be. (We have entire television shows about it.) STDs are far more preventable and treatable than they have been in the past.
So what does that leave us in the discussion about sex with teens? God's word. It's still true today as it was 2,000 (or more) years ago. When people in the Bible went outside of marriage for sex, it had negative consequences. (See David, Jacob, Tamar, just to name a few.) When they had multiple wives, it didn't turn out well. (Look at Solomon, Jacob and Abraham) Yet, we see awesome examples of healthy relationships like Ruth and Boaz, Adam and Eve, and Joseph and Mary.
I see Godly examples in my church of couples who have been happily married (and faithful) for decades.
We need to show students that God wants what's best for them. He doesn't want to keep them from things to make them miserable or unhappy or different. He wants them to be on the path that leads to his blessings, spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. God standards are there for OUR best interest.
What's the second reason these studies pertain to teens? Those 18-29 year old Christian singles having sex - they're the young adults impressionable teens look up to. They're the older students that came before them, that took the pledges and the rings and the True Love Waits courses.
And they still look up to those students.
What's scarier? Some of them maybe youth workers in our ministries. I hope that's not the case, but I've been hearing and reading from many of my collegues about dismissing young adult youth workers who have failed in this area and simply don't want to change or stop their lifestyle.
That puts the onus on me and other youth ministers to seek out Godly students who choose to honor Jesus with their lifestyles, even as they enter college and face greater sexual temptation. It's on us as parents and workers with teenagers to share the truth of God's word and the "why" of the truth.
We can't keep up what we're doing. It's obviously not working anymore.
It's not about youth or youth ministry, but nonetheless has implications that echo down into ministering to teenagers.
The article, entitled Almost Everyone's Doing It, reveals that a recent Gallop Poll study shows that 80 percent of single Americans, aged 18-29, who identified as evangelical Christians, have had sex before marriage. That's only down 8 percent from non-Christians. (Eighty-eight percent of non-Christians 18-29 say they've had premarital sex.)
That's a pretty scary number. That means 8 out of 10 students, in our churches, will have sex before marriage. What's almost as startling, 42 percent, just under half, say they are in a current sexual relationship.
There are many factors, including an increased amount of sexual messages in pop culture, (Another study shows that 92 percent of last year's Billboard Top 100 songs contained some time of sexual message.), the increasing average age of marriage (28 years old for men, 26 years old for women), and waning of standards and definitions on what is sex. (Yet another recent article on CNN.com shows that many oral cancers are on the rise and linked with HPV due to oral sex.)
Still, this study is about single, American, young adults. What is the implication to youth ministry?
First, these students came from youth ministries where we share the importance of abstinence. Many of these students took pledges or bought True Love Waits rings, but didn't honor their commitment. Clearly, what we've taught in the past is not sinking in or simply not working. We need a new approach.
Something I try to teach students when we have discussions about sex and peer pressure is that sex is great...within the confines of marriage. I think, too often, in the past we've been afraid to use the "S" word, and when we do, it's in a negative light. (I remember my mom telling me, simply, "Don't have sex or you're out of the house.") Yet, the messages they get from friends, music, television and the movies is how great sex is and how "everybody" is doing it.
What we need is a happy medium and a frank discussion. Why is sex better left to the marriage bed?
It's the way God intended. (Genesis 2:24). God created sex as not only a way of reproduction, but also as a way of bonding a married couple. That bonding takes place, married or not. When you're not married, there are emotional and spiritual attachments that are made that linger, even after the relationship ends. In marriage, that's great. Outside of marriage, it leads to heartache, guilt and regret.
We need to share with students that premarital sex has emotional and spiritual consequences, not just physical. For too long, we've relied on the threat of sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy to scare teens away from sex. Teens don't care too much about those anymore. Teen pregnancy is not the taboo it used to be. (We have entire television shows about it.) STDs are far more preventable and treatable than they have been in the past.
So what does that leave us in the discussion about sex with teens? God's word. It's still true today as it was 2,000 (or more) years ago. When people in the Bible went outside of marriage for sex, it had negative consequences. (See David, Jacob, Tamar, just to name a few.) When they had multiple wives, it didn't turn out well. (Look at Solomon, Jacob and Abraham) Yet, we see awesome examples of healthy relationships like Ruth and Boaz, Adam and Eve, and Joseph and Mary.
I see Godly examples in my church of couples who have been happily married (and faithful) for decades.
We need to show students that God wants what's best for them. He doesn't want to keep them from things to make them miserable or unhappy or different. He wants them to be on the path that leads to his blessings, spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. God standards are there for OUR best interest.
What's the second reason these studies pertain to teens? Those 18-29 year old Christian singles having sex - they're the young adults impressionable teens look up to. They're the older students that came before them, that took the pledges and the rings and the True Love Waits courses.
And they still look up to those students.
What's scarier? Some of them maybe youth workers in our ministries. I hope that's not the case, but I've been hearing and reading from many of my collegues about dismissing young adult youth workers who have failed in this area and simply don't want to change or stop their lifestyle.
That puts the onus on me and other youth ministers to seek out Godly students who choose to honor Jesus with their lifestyles, even as they enter college and face greater sexual temptation. It's on us as parents and workers with teenagers to share the truth of God's word and the "why" of the truth.
We can't keep up what we're doing. It's obviously not working anymore.
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